Dirty Jobs

Dirty details of my job, mind you not entirely.

And normally I am not a category 5, what am I?

I work at a place where people sway from side to side as they walk with fierce determination to the nearest bathroom, and back to the bar again. Once someone walked with the familiar drunken sway, and spewed small amounts of vomit along the way to mark their way back to the bar. People sometimes arrive at my place of work with bloodied faces and hands from the drunken fight that they encountered on their way back home. Many people arrive without the means to open the door to the place they wish to sleep, and they yell and pitch a fit when we refuse to accommodate them as they are not listed on the “lease.” 

And I am not a pilot inspector, what am I?

It is always the ladies of the wedding party that are the most ridiculous of them all. She says “I ordered pizza an hour ago from Pizza Place of Such, and I am so hungry I could chew off my arm, what the F are you going to do about that?” I tell her I can connect her to the location of which her pizza would be originating from and she tells me that that is not good enough, I personally need to take care of her dilemma!! After much swearing and no reasoning, I hang up on her. She calls back, I hang up on her. She calls back again and again, irate that I am hanging up on her. She tells me that customer service does not allow for the employee to EVER hang up on a customer! She then comes down the location of my whereabouts, and insists on spewing venom at me in person. The young blond is eventually escorted away by the father of the bride who is called only because she refuses to give up on her tirade, until I can take back the hang up’s.

And I am not of a Pepsi Product, what am I?

Sometime they come pint sized, and it always about the bathroom. One would think I work as a bathroom attendant. And so he comes to me and asks that I unlock the bathroom. He is of short stature, and he is mean in the face. He yells at me with great ferocity saying “I am paying to stay here, and you are saying I have to go up to my temporary place of residence and use MY bathroom!??!” He emphasizes the ridiculousness of having to use HIS bathroom many times to me. He is a very important person and he is entitled to have me leading the way to the bathroom, heavy keys of many swinging from my belt to unlock the bathroom just for him. “Please sir, pee at your leisure, I will wait patiently to lock the facilities back up, and Sir if you need someone to wipe your ass, please just give a shout out.” And so with much anxiety over the first encounter; his words of “I will be reporting you;” ringing heavily in my head, on the very same night, a lady with slight shortness arrived before me and implied how desperately she needed to use the bathroom. Given her very modern, much in fashion attire, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and marched her promptly over to the restrooms and unlocked the heavy door. And there I stood patiently waiting. I could hear the clicky of her shoes as she shifted back and forth in front of the mirror attending to her face and its many layers of her perfect shade of foundation. After a fair amount of my wasted time, I politely opened the door and told her she needed to leave the women’s restroom fairly soon… in the nearby future. She told me I was creepy and she continued with her grooming. She departed a long 5 minutes later. Well this awful lady came back two more times to clinch her teeth together in anger and pull back her lips in a growl to tell me that I had not jumped fast enough or high enough to help her with her needs. Oh what an ugly face that was with its terrible snarl.

You may think you have guessed as to what I am,

but if your conclusion is one of a “To Catch a Tiger Assistant,”

you are wrong. What am I?

And once; pause; I took a call at the midnight hour, to have the man tell me how awful we were as this place of employment to not tell those arriving that they were staying in a busy downtown location, and to warn them they might hear noise from outside. Certainly we the employees where not Christians when we could not warn those who might slumber later that night that they might hear music from nearby night clubs. Was I aware of reverberation and of sound bouncing upward to his high location on floor 31!?!?! Double strike for us and how our non-Christian ways had us placing him high up in the building to HA! Sleep away the night! He was a Born Again Christian, and certainly this was not treatment Christ intended for him to suffer.

And I like to travel in clockwise direction at my place of work. What am I?

Shortly after 11pm one night I received a call from a mother who was residing in a room with her children who had just attended an exciting Teeny Bobber Music concert. She called to state that one of her children had found a green pill on the floor. She was very concerned about this pill as it was a green capsule with white substance in it, and it was unmarked. She stated that she was a registered nurse, and implied the pill was not legal, and that her child could have been poisoned both in putting the pill in her mouth or by touching it. She told me that the child was excited and thought it was one of those “towel in a capsule” toys. She insisted I come up to the room and collect the pill. She continued to tell me about how dangerous it would have been for a toddler to have gotten a hold of the pill. (all 4 children looked to be at least 8 years and older) I listened, empathized, and apologized and collected the pill carefully. I also notified my co-workers. (oh and she said they had not noticed the pill prior to their departure to the concert, and they found it after, so they all checked their items to ensure nothing had been stolen (while the drug deal had gone on in the room during their time at the concert)).

These stories are only six of a thousand. What am I?

I am a helper of all things. I can find your lost friend. I can transfer you to china. I can tell you where you might shop for antiques in the city across the border. I can tell you where you can purchase just about anything from cuff links to prophylactics. If someone called your cell phone, and you don’t know who the caller is, I can track that person down. I solve impossible problems and allow people’s persons to take out the frustration of their life or the day out on my person. I deal with the intoxicated and those who are most in touch with their inner stupid. This is my life. This is what I do. 

What am I?