Pessimistic People We Are Not

To which my reply is there is not pessimistic people and optimistic people, but rather people who live their lives with great expectations or very little expectations. People typically think of me as a person of great pessimistic thought. However, I am aware of moments here and there from day to day where great optimism exists in my heart and my head. I realize that my optimistic moments lie in the moments of the day where I am confident in my ability to be in control of the outcome of a particular event. I find myself to be a fairly reliable person to myself. Here my expectations are high and therefore optimism prevails.
However, I find that I am pessimistic in almost all situations which require great expectations of other people. To which I argue, how can one be optimistic in this life when in fact so much is reliant on interactions with people. I think the news stories of terrible tragedies, of unthinkable horrors done to others, of failure and corruption; and of the reoccurring theme of mental madness existing right next door to us, and on the road in the car ahead of you, and with the co-worker that resides in the cubicle next to you, should all indicate we should all lean towards low expectations, which suspiciously dresses itself as pessimistic thought.
Let me begin with a story.
I once had a co-worker who proclaimed that he was a quite the optimistic person. He believed in good in all people. He proudly talked about how he went about his relationships with his lady friends by having no expectations. He felt that the secret to a great relationship was in fact to not have any expectations.
(note: his longest relationship had been 5 months)

I replied first with a ponder and then I stated that we in fact live with 1,000 expectations every day. When speaking of relationships, we have expectations of such things that they will dress themselves appropriately for the day, and take a shower, and utilize public bathrooms, and not pee on peoples tires. For most of us, we have expectations  that our significant other will treat us with respect and not call us names, as we stroll around in public. We expect our lover to not steal from us, and to pay all or half of the restaurant bill. We expect our person of choice to do any number of pleasurable tasks that apply to our happiness, such as give a massage when you are stressed, or pick up your favorite magazine when they are at the store. We expect them to know what things we enjoy and to go about supplementing our lives with their unique understanding of how to meet those needs. This is only a small sampling of what we expect in a relationship. To which his reply, was "Well those are all given things." To which I further argued, indeed they are not; in fact I believe there is no such thing as "Well that is a given." Look into any person's relationship, and you find what they wish were "givens' are in fact needs that are not being met.

Let me back up a little here and explain what I think defines optimism. If you are a person who feels life is full of "givens" such as the cars who share the roads with you will stay in there lane and use their blinkers as necessary  and not run red lights, etc., that McDonald's will get your order right, and that your workplace will pay you your earnings, etc., and that your apartment will not burn down, and that your loved ones will get safely through each day until they are old and gray... well the list is endless. So lets say you think all these things are "givens", therefore you do not give thought to what should occur should the GIVEN or the EXPECTATION not occur. So when all goes right with the day, you feel like you are an optimistic person; all of your great expectations occurred during your day successfully, while you go about being dumb to all the things that you expected to go right, therefore your world is rosy.
But then what almost always occurs when the expected fails. Well I am not a optimistic, so I can not speak entirely of how an optimistic person deals with unexpected tragedy. It is only my understanding that they most likely were not prepared for the failure of the "given" not occurring.
I have a unique m.kat.t. (me, myself, and I) theory to which I say "Tell my your worst possible scenario  and I will provide you with 5 other worst possible scenarios that you didn't even think of." I feel this is my specialism. I have rational worst possible incidents that I think in my head, and yet the world still surprises and surpasses every day my worst possible situations!
Now let me define a pessimistic person. Let me directly talk about my own thoughts, so that I am not speaking as if though I am an expert, but merely experienced in living life with low expectations. I do not expect drivers to stay in their lane, to stop at red lights, and to look before merging. I have never been the cause of any accident, and it was only a year ago that I experienced my first fairly significant accident when on slippery roads, a car slid into my car at a fast speed and took off my bumper and made some lovely dents in the side of my car. Did I initially swear a lot when the accident happened and say a word that rhymed with duck over and over; yes I did, but then I pulled myself together and instead found the destruction to be of fascination  and of "hmm, well that changes my plans for the day."  By the end of the day, the insurance company had my claim, and my car was in the shop, and I was driving a rental. I "expect" to get into accidents on snowy days, therefore when it happened I was prepared.

Oh stop all the madness. I can't stand it. This is going is so many different directions, because suddenly this is not about expectations alone, but about what are expectations are. I "expect" things to go wrong, and therefore, I experience and notice when things go wrong. I am sensitive to failure and I expect failure, therefore I have expectations, negative expectations, but great expectations never the less. And suddenly this is an entirely long rant about how I thought that I could say there is not pessimistic people and optimistic people but a difference in great or little expectation. When in fact if you have expectations of good, and good happens, you will  notice the good, and you're are an optimistic. And if you have expectations of negative and bad, and negative and bad occur, you will notice it, and you continue to be a pessimistic. To which I wish to return to my days of sitting up in a tree and enjoying the sun, and the great big blue Montana sky, and finding comfort in a simple world where tag and hide-n-seek were the highlights of my day.

And so I will end this madness with knowing there is still a great deal of hidden points in this blog. There are those that define their lives with "givens," and those that are aware of their expectations. There are those who associate with people who will help define their idea of self worth or self loathing. There are people who are givers and people who are takers, and without each to give and take, well it wouldn't be right if it wasn't a push, pull world. It is the momentum of the world, pushing and pulling, being happy, being angry, being joyful, being sad. Tragedy and Miracles occurring together in this space of a day. Together we hold hands united, and yet we are divided with disappointment in our hearts; yet only knowing, only wanting the love of others to lift us up, and hold us tight, and tell us everything will be all right. We are human, we are flawed, and we can only do our very best, which sometimes is in fact fantastic failure, and we live till our heart stops cold, and the last breath escapes, and then to where do we go, only then will we know.

To my cousin, Jennifer, you are not here anymore, and you lived your life in the only way you knew how, and it was filled with tragedy and heartbreak, yet joy and success; you are missed. You will always be in our hearts and loved fiercely by those who knew of your struggles and how you fought to do the best that you could.

Moments that Matter

Let's talk about some of the Hmmm's of life.

Let's talk about uncomfortable matters that somehow matter a lot. 

And is not the word "matter" just uncomfortable in itself; a) "matter" (means something), b) "matter" (of the universe floating freely about), c) "madder" (angry but sounds like matter). Nothing is more uncomfortable to me then someone saying "You matter to me," when really it sounds like they are saying "You madder to me." hmmm... Ah the English language and it's sound alike but are not alike words. Again, hmmm. 

Yes, I am thinking of you who says "May I have a pint of ice cream," as you rhyme it to mint and lint, and not to pie. You do have a valid point. 

So, today I had some uncomfortable moments, and I feel like sharing.  

I won't go in any particular order, but backwards. 

I think we can all say that we have told stories of a frustrating phone conversations we have had with someone who has a thick accent or uses certain slang, and we find ourselves saying things like "And she must have been a black woman, because...", or perhaps my most used is, "And they must have been middle eastern, because I couldn't understand anything (...AND I was talking to Tech support). So this morning I overheard a white (appeared homeless) woman recounting a story of a frustrating phone conversation to her male (also appeared homeless) companion, and the lady said, "and this woman answered the phone, and she must have been white, because she was speaking English...." Well, it made me laugh  but then really made me curious as to how else this woman viewed people in the world, when she needs to state she (a white person) was talking to a white person because they spoke English! It left me with a hmmm. 

And then just moments before that encounter, I was walking in the wonderfully warm sky-way system to my car on what is a most terribly cold day outside, and a (what appeared to be another homeless person who was dressed in ragged clothes) was walking the incorrect way. He wasn't following the rules; he was walking to the right of everyone, and well, people that don't follow the norm of walking or driving on the right side of the street, or path, drive me crazy. (Shirley; I shall never move to England. Ha!) And as he went to pass me on the right, I thought, "No, not today; today I will insist on staying to the right, and I will not hastily change my way and lurch to the left gracefully, but I will stand my ground and keep to the right of my way. Well this man insisted on his way as well, until we were both stopped standing defiantly in front of one another, (no eye contact, mind you) and he stood his ground and motioned his hands to the left and said, "You go ahead, (to the left)" and with some embarrassment in my heart of having lost the game of "chicken," I went to the left. And then I heard him mutter, "I'm trying to outsmart you." And what did I think then, I thought, well it was just a rope barrier, and how fantastic would it have been to have swiftly continued to the right with a quick duck down to go under the rope and step around him, and come out on the other side.Well it certainly would have made me look like a damn fool to all the business people who were walking about, but perhaps it would have made them smile inside too, because perhaps they too, don't like people who pass on the right. Hmmm... 

Speaking of walking and it's rules, and there are many rules to follow... 

I greatly dislike people who are walking just an arms length away ahead of you, and they enter through a door and they open it as little as possible and scoot through as quickly as they can, and make no effort to show courtesy of extending their arm out in an effort to keep the door open for you as well. I have seen some people not only open the door narrowly, but give a quick tug of the door to pull it shut after them. Well, I am a fast walker and I can keep up with the fastest" I'm in a huge hurry and I have a great big personal space bubble around me" people, so I quickly enter through the door as well, and I am usually fortunate enough to have a great length of shared hallway space ahead of us, and I walk directly behind them, just close enough to not be clipping their heels as they walk, and I walk as if though I am completely confident and not bothered (or aware) of my big bubble colliding with their big bubble. For some reason I am greatly satisfied in having walked in their bubble unwelcomed, merely because they were not courteous enough to keep the door held open for just a minute more for the person behind them. And this is coming from me, someone who has a tremendously large personal bubble I walk around in. 

And finally let's talk about the most uncomfortable of uncomfortable. Public bathrooms. I've had many public bathroom nightmares over the years. The most recent being that I walked into a women's bathroom to find all open toilets, just row after row of toilets, and girls sitting and peeing, or pooping perhaps. And I kept trying to find a toilet that was somewhat far from one being used, and I would discover that the isolated toilet would be filled to the brim with water that was clogged with toilet paper and brown floating "boats." I have had dreams about being in a large building and taking elevators to different floors to try to find an unoccupied bathroom, or to try to find just any bathroom at all. I typically have the reoccurring dream of having to use a bathroom that is wide open and that has a toilet that is typically clogged. But then I have a very emotionally disturbed bladder that acts like a toddler and demands my attention about 30 times a day, and that I have to take to the bathroom right away to allow it to pee. That also could be another entire blog, but this will the extent of which I talk about that. 

Sooo, at work there is an employee bathroom with only two stalls. And generally, 95% of the time no one else is ever in there when I attend to my tantrum throwing bladder. Well, today I entered into the bathroom to find that "Gah, someone was in the 2nd stall, and they were humming!" So I figured they might not humm any longer once I came to occupy the neighboring stall. But they did continue to humm!, and suddenly it seemed so embarrassing to yank down my pants and sit down my naked butt on the toilet and let them hear the sound of my fast trickle. 

side note: It was kind of like jumping into the shower naked with someone who is singing badly in the shower, "Uh, excuse me, can I just scoot my naked body around your naked, loudly shouting self, and borrow the soap, please?" 

It suddenly became kind of personal, me peeing as they happily hummed a tune. And I didn't just have one embarrassing at work bathroom moment today, but two! Well about half an hour after the encounter I just spoke of, I made the well known trip to the bathroom again, and I was greeted with the unpleasant smell of brown sinking boats having just been passed. Well, there are only two stalls, and there is nothing quite as uncomfortable as trying to detect which stall the deed was done in, so that you won't be totally grossed out when you sit on the seat and it is still warm.... The goal is find the cold toilet seat. Well, I tried to sniff it out, but yet not, with a narrowing of my nasal passages, and well this never works, so I had a 50/50 shot. I won't talk about the temperature of the toilet seat past this point. Oh, a girl's life. Hmmm.... 

Well, if you haven't laughed at some point while you read this or been a little embarrassed about what you were reading, well, then I can only hope you will come across your own discovery of new things to ponder about today. I hope for a "hmmmm" to exist somewhere in your day today.

May all be well. 

A picture perfect relationship

Let's talk about me and you. We are entirely two different people, yet we get along fantastically. We make each other laugh ridiculously; we play off each other, and we enjoy a lot of the same things. We get each other. We even argue with one another rather well. I really like yelling at you, and seeing what crazy defensive comment you will throw my way. You quite often get even more mad when I laugh at you during our arguments, and you will ask me" why?" To which I will never reply, "Well clearly I know what I am talking about, clearly I am right  about the shit that I am saying you do wrong, and well you! you don't have anything on me, I don't do anything wrong,( in which there is not a reasonable explanation for my errors!)" I usually tell him that I am laughing because I am nervous, and that seems to work ok. When he asks why I am nervous, I tell him that I don't like us arguing and not getting along and that seems to work pretty well too.

And so where am I going with this, well really no where at all, except I would like to talk about pictures. I would like to further explore into the world of people who put up pictures in the first couple of days that they move into a new place, as this is a behavior I am far removed from. I once lived in the same apartment for 5 years, and in the 4th year, I finally put up pictures. I did quite a fantastic job of it too. I cut up pictures from calenders and magazines and matched them up, and bought picture frames and put together several lovely framed pictures of 3 and created a warm autumn theme to my place. A year later I moved out, and have lived in 3 places since then and I have never put the pictures back up. My pictures spend far more time in the back of closets then they do upon the wall. I have been in my new place for a few months, and yesterday I hung up a small calender on the wall, after all it is the start of a new year, and it's reasonable to think that one ought to at least have a calender hanging up somewhere. I am pretty sure this hanging calender will be the only entertainment that my walls will experience in giving them life for at least the next years time. I am also almost certain, that January will exist for half the year, and then perhaps July will hold up for the remainder of the year. (And I am not particularly fond of deer).

And so let's talk about him; my other half. We have been together for a little over two years, and he has lived in three different places. When I first met him, I was quite impressed by the very nice tasteful artwork upon his walls. He had excellent taste and had spent some money on the pictures that hung on his walls. And then we moved in together for a short while, and the first thing he did on the very night we moved in was to hang pictures on the walls. They were measured and looked over, adjusted and rearranged, and at the end of the night, all the pictures were hung with a nice mix of my pictures and his. I was impressed, but yet in awe of someone who would find it necessary to hang pictures right away. What on earth does one person possess inside themselves to desire to put up pictures right away on the vast empty white walls? What does this say about him and perhaps his dislike for silence? His TV is always on, and mine is never on. I sit in silence at my place all the time, and rather like working with people and not saying a word. I am very comfortable  with silence. I barely notice empty walls. He is always with noise; even while he sleeps.

Well one night while we were living together we got into a bit of a silly argument  and I was at work for the night and he was home alone with the house centipedes. He was a little bit stupid with slight intoxication, and I was perfectly sober and of sound mind to tell him about how he was wrong about something. Well he went about his silly "well you do this," one liner's, and by the end of the night, he told me he was done, and he would be moving out tomorrow. I said, "ok;" we said a pleasant Good Night, and I finished working my overnight shift. Well I came home around 8am, to find that bags were not packed, clothes and bathroom items had not been gathered together in a corner; however the walls were empty, white and boldly staring at me with accusation of my part of stripping them bare. And there by the door were his pictures, and mine were neatly stacked in their own pile off to the side. It did result in a much more powerful reaction out of me, as suddenly the place that had never had empty walls from day one, seemed quite cold and unwelcoming. It had much greater affect on me then should a bag have been neatly packed by the door. It gave a much better picture of the emptiness the place would hold, should I exist in that place without him from that day forward. Had it been me, as it sometime was I merely packed a small overnight bag, and left without hesitation with intentions of making arrangements the next day to move out the rest of my belongings.

And so it goes that as the day continued on we talked as we always do, and we hugged it out, and went and got lunch together, and he went to work, and I went to bed. The next morning after my shift I came home to find all the pictures back up on the wall. And things were good, and the welcome of our home that only he could provide with his care in hanging up pictures was restored. And this is just one small reason why I think we are meant to me. Where I fail, he impresses; and where he fails, I impress. We are a puzzle that has been in the works for many years to finally come together and make a amazing picture. We create a picture that is a 1,000 little pictures of our past experiences of our hurts, of our connections and disconnections with friends and family over the years, of our accomplishments  and failures, a 1,000 plus pictures coming together to create one whole beautiful picture. And this my friend is a blog about me and you, and about those who put up pictures, and those who do not. This is my picture to you, my colorful art (whether you find it tasteful or not) hung upon your wall for the day.
Who's picture will add to your picture today?

Inspirational Facebook Posts

Facebook posts I wrote long ago that inspired someone to say Girl! Start a Blog!  

So here's a tribute to myself!

Go Me!

  A Facebook friend you and I became. Messages exchanged with stories at the start. And then the messages came no more. A chance is taken with each post on the rejection of “no reply.” Some people occasionally respond with a “kickback” response on your wall, instead of taking the time to make a call to express care or concern. Some people accumulate friends as if they are sticky gummy treats, and sticky gummy post they post that feed today’s individual souls. Pictures are posted that show good times, and a simple 100 Happy Birthday posts are posted your wall for your B-day, without thought of an original post. Chit, chat; let’s chat and take away the need to compose a full sentence. And now our posts are not even thoughts, but updates of your whereabouts for all to know. And so we empty out less of ourselves, and more about our locations of where we have been and where we are at. If only we could share the whereabouts of where our hearts have been and where our hearts are at. Time is not what if once was, and neither is the human connection of a many spoken word.

So a little over two years ago, I recall always posting what I thought were creative posts to my Facebook page. And I recall being frustrated at the limitations of the 100 or so characters you had to maintain to post something. Then someone suggested that I start a blog to add length to my creative thought. And for those of you that read my blog... oh what great length I have added. I no longer even try to post creative thought on Facebook. Facebook updates for me are old news, something of yesterday.  

And so I am going to post some of my old posts on Facebook, just so you can all have fond recollections of when I used to post things on my page! 

Personification…

• Oh, but I care about you a little more then the others, you’re not the average ordinary… You look good and have some personality. Oh the loss of you will be felt, as one without the other simply does not work. (a lost black floral sock)

• I would like to occupy that empty space; however I sense your movement, your sudden movement to propel yourself ahead, to gain access to that void before me. You move forward as I slow down my pace, and somehow we don’t collide as we come to fill the same space together. And onward we continue to our destinations. (two cars coming to merge into the same lane)

• Every day I set out to maneuver around you, as your gaping holes of emptiness are of an inconvenience to me. And so it goes, my expectations of you potentially ruining my day, if I should run across you. But today (at least there) you were fixed, and it made my day! And perhaps tomorrow; there, you will be fixed. (potholes getting repaired)

• I feel you might snap at any moment, give way, part ways… You rumble as we go along, and oh how you shudder when action is required of you. It seems I can not ignore your protests any longer, but that I must fix you… or else you will surely abandon me on the side of the road. (my broken wheel)

• I didn’t check you out yesterday, but today when I did; you hadn’t bothered to come anyway. No “mail” love, but “mail” love is never any good anyway.

• I think that it is your way of telling me you given up, that you lived the good life, that you’ve given me your all. You keep tripping me up and coming undone. I put you together at the start of the day, and then undone you come over and over as the day continues. But your attachment to your sole purpose creates a problem I will just have to deal with. (shoelace on my shoe coming undone always)

• Yes, I push your buttons all the time, just because you are the first in line; yet I cringe each time you rush up and volunteer to assist me to bring me to where I need to go. I quickly push their buttons and hope one volunteers, as they are much faster at doing what you do. You are slow and quite often smell. (the big freight elevator vs the 3 smaller freight elevators at work)

Poems about random people

• When I see someone at the gym going really fast on some cardio equipment, I don’t think “Wow, that’s awesome!” I think instead, “Whoa, Whoa, no need to for such excitement, you can go ahead and calm the fuck down, no really calm down.”  

•  She said “Here’s your ‘creamer,” when I had asked for a “steamer.” So I thought I was drinking steamed cream, and not steamed milk, and I was to shy to say “Excuse me, did you say Steam or Cream?” Thanks a lot barista lady for ruining my drink for the day by placing preconceived notions in my head, as I refuse to drink Steamed Cream.

•  Dear Mom, I love that I can text, and that you text me back! However, LOL, does not mean “love you a lot,” it means “laugh out loud.” And if you were laughing out loud for the text I sent you, well we need to talk.

• To the new personal trainer I decided to try out today: sure holding hands is great, but not when you are making me balance on bosu ball and do squats when my legs are shaking uncontrollably, and I am completely relying on our hand holding to keep me upright! Just made me soo not be into you. I don’t want to see you ever again.

·      

  

Dirty Jobs

Dirty details of my job, mind you not entirely.

And normally I am not a category 5, what am I?

I work at a place where people sway from side to side as they walk with fierce determination to the nearest bathroom, and back to the bar again. Once someone walked with the familiar drunken sway, and spewed small amounts of vomit along the way to mark their way back to the bar. People sometimes arrive at my place of work with bloodied faces and hands from the drunken fight that they encountered on their way back home. Many people arrive without the means to open the door to the place they wish to sleep, and they yell and pitch a fit when we refuse to accommodate them as they are not listed on the “lease.” 

And I am not a pilot inspector, what am I?

It is always the ladies of the wedding party that are the most ridiculous of them all. She says “I ordered pizza an hour ago from Pizza Place of Such, and I am so hungry I could chew off my arm, what the F are you going to do about that?” I tell her I can connect her to the location of which her pizza would be originating from and she tells me that that is not good enough, I personally need to take care of her dilemma!! After much swearing and no reasoning, I hang up on her. She calls back, I hang up on her. She calls back again and again, irate that I am hanging up on her. She tells me that customer service does not allow for the employee to EVER hang up on a customer! She then comes down the location of my whereabouts, and insists on spewing venom at me in person. The young blond is eventually escorted away by the father of the bride who is called only because she refuses to give up on her tirade, until I can take back the hang up’s.

And I am not of a Pepsi Product, what am I?

Sometime they come pint sized, and it always about the bathroom. One would think I work as a bathroom attendant. And so he comes to me and asks that I unlock the bathroom. He is of short stature, and he is mean in the face. He yells at me with great ferocity saying “I am paying to stay here, and you are saying I have to go up to my temporary place of residence and use MY bathroom!??!” He emphasizes the ridiculousness of having to use HIS bathroom many times to me. He is a very important person and he is entitled to have me leading the way to the bathroom, heavy keys of many swinging from my belt to unlock the bathroom just for him. “Please sir, pee at your leisure, I will wait patiently to lock the facilities back up, and Sir if you need someone to wipe your ass, please just give a shout out.” And so with much anxiety over the first encounter; his words of “I will be reporting you;” ringing heavily in my head, on the very same night, a lady with slight shortness arrived before me and implied how desperately she needed to use the bathroom. Given her very modern, much in fashion attire, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and marched her promptly over to the restrooms and unlocked the heavy door. And there I stood patiently waiting. I could hear the clicky of her shoes as she shifted back and forth in front of the mirror attending to her face and its many layers of her perfect shade of foundation. After a fair amount of my wasted time, I politely opened the door and told her she needed to leave the women’s restroom fairly soon… in the nearby future. She told me I was creepy and she continued with her grooming. She departed a long 5 minutes later. Well this awful lady came back two more times to clinch her teeth together in anger and pull back her lips in a growl to tell me that I had not jumped fast enough or high enough to help her with her needs. Oh what an ugly face that was with its terrible snarl.

You may think you have guessed as to what I am,

but if your conclusion is one of a “To Catch a Tiger Assistant,”

you are wrong. What am I?

And once; pause; I took a call at the midnight hour, to have the man tell me how awful we were as this place of employment to not tell those arriving that they were staying in a busy downtown location, and to warn them they might hear noise from outside. Certainly we the employees where not Christians when we could not warn those who might slumber later that night that they might hear music from nearby night clubs. Was I aware of reverberation and of sound bouncing upward to his high location on floor 31!?!?! Double strike for us and how our non-Christian ways had us placing him high up in the building to HA! Sleep away the night! He was a Born Again Christian, and certainly this was not treatment Christ intended for him to suffer.

And I like to travel in clockwise direction at my place of work. What am I?

Shortly after 11pm one night I received a call from a mother who was residing in a room with her children who had just attended an exciting Teeny Bobber Music concert. She called to state that one of her children had found a green pill on the floor. She was very concerned about this pill as it was a green capsule with white substance in it, and it was unmarked. She stated that she was a registered nurse, and implied the pill was not legal, and that her child could have been poisoned both in putting the pill in her mouth or by touching it. She told me that the child was excited and thought it was one of those “towel in a capsule” toys. She insisted I come up to the room and collect the pill. She continued to tell me about how dangerous it would have been for a toddler to have gotten a hold of the pill. (all 4 children looked to be at least 8 years and older) I listened, empathized, and apologized and collected the pill carefully. I also notified my co-workers. (oh and she said they had not noticed the pill prior to their departure to the concert, and they found it after, so they all checked their items to ensure nothing had been stolen (while the drug deal had gone on in the room during their time at the concert)).

These stories are only six of a thousand. What am I?

I am a helper of all things. I can find your lost friend. I can transfer you to china. I can tell you where you might shop for antiques in the city across the border. I can tell you where you can purchase just about anything from cuff links to prophylactics. If someone called your cell phone, and you don’t know who the caller is, I can track that person down. I solve impossible problems and allow people’s persons to take out the frustration of their life or the day out on my person. I deal with the intoxicated and those who are most in touch with their inner stupid. This is my life. This is what I do. 

What am I?

Suprise Party!

“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand new hours are before me. I vow to
live fully in each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.” “

― Thich
Nhat Hanh

My mother does not like surprises. One year when my siblings and I were young; mmm say
between the ages of 8 and 12, we thought we should throw our mother a surprise
party. At this time I had not come anywhere close to obtaining my ninja like sneaky
skills or great knack for lying and therefore; my sister and brother and I were
quite obvious about being up to something about particular incidents that might
occur on the day of July 21^st, the day of my mothers birthday. The
three of us had decided we would invite our dear friends, the Schleup family to
our house; there was five of them; three parents and two children. Our family
was to head into town in the early afternoon hours to pass the time at the
nearest bowling alley to have fun playing low scoring bowling games, and when
we were almost done with the 3^rd game, (as we always played 3
games), we would call the Shleups and let them know to head out to our place
and wait for our arrival. Never mind that we lived in the country, and that
there would be no where for them to hide the car, as immediately upon driving
up the driveway, there their car would sit. Never mind that we did not think to
somehow leave a door unlocked so they would not have to sit in a hot car, or
stand outside in the dry summer heat. Never mind that cell phones were
something of a foreign and future concept, so once that phone call was made
from the bowling alley giving the heads up to head out, contact would be no
more as they waited at the house for our dusty rumbling Chevy Suburban arrival.
(You could see a vehicle a mile away approaching down the gravel road, as we
lived upon a hill with no distractions but flat wheat fields to keep your eye
from following the tire rock kicking approach of any vehicle)  And so to continue…

As the third game was coming up on its final frames, my brother decided to head over and
make the call. When he was half way across the bowling alley, he yelled out to
my sister and me, “Hey what’s the Schleup’s number?’ Well, I shot him a look
like, ‘Who are the Schleups and what do you want with their number?” Then I
said something that would obviously explain the situation to my mother without
giving away the truth about the needed phone call. “Tyler,” I said “Yes, I think I do baby-sit
for them tomorrow; why don’t you call and make sure for me?” Well, oddly that
didn’t do the trick and my mother had confirmation then that a surprise party
was indeed part of the afternoon game plan for her birthday celebration. This
is where we came to find out how much my mother dislikes surprises.

She suddenly thought it would be a great idea to play a 4^th game of bowling. She
did this with great excitement, and I believe she might have even got a Turkey during
the 4^th game. Us kids threw a lot of gutter balls, and I think a few
times we reset the pins for the 2^nd ball just to get done faster.
With great relief we packed up our bowling balls and returned our shoes and
headed out into the bright Montana sun, and piled into the truck and fully
anticipated our mother would drive us straight home to our awaiting guests.
Well with very little warning, my mother announced that she needed to pick up
some potatoes for next week’s dinner, as she took a left turn out of the
parking lot, instead of the right that would have taken us in the direction of
home. The three of us were asked to stay in the car, a usual occurrence for us;
to sit in the car, and so we sat, and my mom took her time and shopped for a
few more items other then potatoes. Well, once again she started up the truck,
and we continued on the way of “Mom is driving, and therefore mom goes where
mom wants to go,” journey. We stopped to top off the nearly full tank of gas
too. Nearly an hour later as we dipped down into the approaching valley before
our house, we could see little people standing outside the house, with their
car gleaming in the hot sun. Needless to say my mother didn’t stop with the continued
pleasant courtesy for their time and she said a curt hello and let them in the
house. She treated them just like us, like naughty children that needed
punishing and the whole thing was quite awkward. Needless to say the experience
scarred me so much that I have and never will throw a surprise party for
anyone, even for someone who might express great joy in a surprise party.

And let us end.


“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you

don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not

doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or

less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have

problems with our friends or family, we blame the other

person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will

grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive

effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason

and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no

reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you

understand, and you show that you understand, you can

love, and the situation will change”

― Thich
Nhat Hanh

About Procrastination

Today I wish to discuss alarming people. To begin, I was walking to my car the other day, and without much paying attention, a bicyclist was headed in my direction with his head down, and just as he was about to pass me, he lifted his head, and I had a brief heart stopping moment. But more about that later. 

(I'm going to try to see if I can hold your attention until the end, as I have much to talk about today) 

So, I remember at one time just a few years ago, (a time when I got up early, made myself dinner, and headed to work to stand in front of the time clock, and wait for 10:52pm to arrive, so I could punch in early, as that was the earliest it would allow you to clock in) But more on all of that later. So back to the sentence I just finished, but the start of that sentence; I once thought it appalling to cook a frozen TV dinner meal in the microwave! I mean how could a microwave do justice to this lovely pre-made delectable dinner I wanted to eat. I am embarrassed now to think that I used to not only get up early, but that I got up early enough to bake my frozen dinner in the oven! Then somewhere along the way, I didn't quite make the leap to embracing cooking my meal in the microwave; but instead, I took the next logical step which was to realize I could sleep later, should I decide to eat a granola bar in the car on the way to work; and so began sleeping later. Then I discovered breakfast "shakes," if placing it in a sealed cup and shaking it is what defines it as a shake. So I went about preparing these before I headed out the door and drinking it in the car on the way to work, and sometimes I delighted my early morning, (late evening) taste buds, by complimenting the shake with a granola bar, (or milano cookies, whichever came first). 
I don't know when exactly the change occurred where I no longer found myself at the time clock waiting for the 10:52 hour, but I remember I more often arrived just on time; at the 11pm hour. I was pleased with this. 
I don't quite recall what the next step was to my fall from being a prompt on time person, but I think it happened somewhere between my junior and senior year of college, which for me was my 10th year of on and off again college. I recall how it became quite obvious to me that you could put in a great deal of time and preparation into preparing for a test or putting together a paper, and the outcome could not be 100% guaranteed to result in an A, or even a B. Perhaps the transition into procrastination took place one semester where I worked diligently on a group paper, I took much more time to do my section of the paper, I carefully edited and rewrote sections of the other participants sections, I stayed up all night the final night, feeling so right about the final paper, and then we, or rather I!, received a D on that group paper. However, ironically the teacher graded on curve, and when the class had finished I was the top person of the curve, earning me a solid A in the class, a 100%! So with these two separate incidents having taken place in one class, the great disappointment in a D on a hard worked paper, yet a final A for the class, the shocking conclusion came to me, that the best work and the best outcome came with great procrastination, and little thought. 
You cared less about the outcome and it was far easier to receive a B or a C on a paper, if you gave little effort, but oh how awesome it was to receive an A on a project of which you didn't pay much attention too until the few days before it was due. I only regret I discovered the art of procrastination in my 8th year of college. Perhaps I would have been a traditional student and partied my way through my many freshman and sophomore years, instead of deciding to fit into the category of a "non-traditional" student, who is basically a "student that doesn't party."
I came to discover that the most fantastic shit was spilled out on paper and came together with less needed edits, and thinking and rethinking if you wrote a paper at the last minute. I found that I no longer needed to highlight in the book (and wow! I highlighted sooo much shit, as everything seemed as if though it might be an important detail), and then write diligent notes on notepaper, and then I would write questions and answers on color coded note cards, and go to the gym, and walk around the track reading the note cards, reading the question, then pausing and reading the answer written on the back, over and over, walking a reading, and flipping my note cards back and forth. Oh right so my point was I came to discover that it was much easier to only half listen in class, and hear the subtle 'Ok, pay attention, as you will find this on your quiz next week,' tones in the professors lecture, (although one particular professor actually did announce exactly what would be on the test and repeat several times the exact question that would be asked, it's answer, and then give you a study guide of what to study for, (I got a 100% on every exam). I came to stop taking notes; I stopped highlighting, particularly when I noticed that the headings, sub-heading, bolded words, and a selective sentence read here and there really did suffice in providing adequate enough knowledge to score well in exams. 
My whole world changed. I began to feel really good about being a solid B performer, I began to stop calling people back on the day that they called me. I stopped listening to my voice mails as soon I got home and noticed my blinky light flashing on my (oh what were those things called; oh right; oh no; ummm, you bought them all by themselves in the store, and you proudly put your recording on the... wow, I can not recall what those machines that singularly held the position in the household of answering your phone when you were away, and waiting patiently with it's mouth opening and shutting blinking silently a red light to announce the message to you when you arrived home!) OH! An answering machine! Gah! 
I remember setting up appointments and get together's and then standing people up with a last minute phone call or no phone call at all that I would not be coming. And everyone else was doing just that as well. I started now just having all my shake stuff at work and making my breakfast shake only once I arrived at work. The lovely breakfast snack went by the wayside, as it saved time at the grocery aisle if you skipped the cookie aisle all together. And, then something incredible happened one day, I discovered that frozen TV dinners were way better cooked in the microwave, not because it tasted better, but it saved you an incredible amount of time. I came to spend less time at the grocery store, as this requires list writing, and thinking ahead, and I found myself spending more time in the line at Starbucks picking up a chai tea and pastry, (as my tastebuds still required some delight). Heck, I stopped writing to do lists, or list of any sort all together. My sticky notes have come to serve no purpose but to take up space in my desk. And my most recent proud accomplishment is having a second set of makeup at work, and waiting until I get to work to Get Ready! Wow, what a concept, get ready for work when you are at work! Oh the snoozing that occurs now! And, it gets better, the time clock operates on a 6 minute cycle, so you can punch in as late at 6 after 11, and still look as if though you are on time! 
Well, a child of about 4 has just woken up for the day, and she is requires my attention, and I find I would very much so like to give her my attention, and go about heading to the zoo for the day! 
Oh, more about the cave man later, with the protruding brow.