Dirty details of my
job, mind you not entirely.
And normally I am not a category 5, what am I?
I
work at a place where people sway from side to side as they walk with fierce
determination to the nearest bathroom, and back to the bar again. Once someone walked
with the familiar drunken sway, and spewed small amounts of vomit along the way
to mark their way back to the bar. People sometimes arrive at my place of work
with bloodied faces and hands from the drunken fight that they encountered on
their way back home. Many people arrive without the means to open the door to
the place they wish to sleep, and they yell and pitch a fit when we refuse to
accommodate them as they are not listed on the “lease.”
And I am not a pilot inspector, what am I?
It
is always the ladies of the wedding party that are the most ridiculous of them
all. She says “I ordered pizza an hour ago from Pizza Place of Such, and I am so hungry I
could chew off my arm, what the F are you going to do about that?” I tell her I
can connect her to the location of which her pizza would be originating from
and she tells me that that is not good enough, I personally need to take care
of her dilemma!! After much swearing and no reasoning, I hang up on her. She
calls back, I hang up on her. She calls back again and again, irate that I am
hanging up on her. She tells me that customer service does not allow for the
employee to EVER hang up on a customer! She then comes down the location of my
whereabouts, and insists on spewing venom at me in person. The young blond is
eventually escorted away by the father of the bride who is called only because
she refuses to give up on her tirade, until I can take back the hang up’s.
And I am not of a Pepsi Product, what am I?
Sometime
they come pint sized, and it always about the bathroom. One would think I work
as a bathroom attendant. And so he comes to me and asks that I unlock the
bathroom. He is of short stature, and he is mean in the face. He yells at me
with great ferocity saying “I am paying to stay here, and you are saying I have
to go up to my temporary place of residence and use MY bathroom!??!” He
emphasizes the ridiculousness of having to use HIS bathroom many times to me.
He is a very important person and he is entitled to have me leading the way to
the bathroom, heavy keys of many swinging from my belt to unlock the bathroom
just for him. “Please sir, pee at your leisure, I will wait patiently to lock
the facilities back up, and Sir if you need someone to wipe your ass, please
just give a shout out.” And so with much anxiety over the first encounter; his
words of “I will be reporting you;” ringing heavily in my head, on the very
same night, a lady with slight shortness arrived before me and implied how
desperately she needed to use the bathroom. Given her very modern, much in
fashion attire, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and marched her promptly
over to the restrooms and unlocked the heavy door. And there I stood patiently
waiting. I could hear the clicky of her shoes as she shifted back and forth in
front of the mirror attending to her face and its many layers of her perfect
shade of foundation. After a fair amount of my wasted time, I politely opened
the door and told her she needed to leave the women’s restroom fairly soon… in
the nearby future. She told me I was creepy and she continued with her
grooming. She departed a long 5 minutes later. Well this awful lady came back
two more times to clinch her teeth together in anger and pull back her lips in
a growl to tell me that I had not jumped fast enough or high enough to help her
with her needs. Oh what an ugly face that was with its terrible snarl.
You may think you have guessed as to what I
am,
but if your conclusion is one of a “To Catch a
Tiger Assistant,”
you are wrong. What am I?
And
once; pause; I took a call at the midnight hour, to have the man tell me how
awful we were as this place of employment to not tell those arriving that they
were staying in a busy downtown location, and to warn them they might hear
noise from outside. Certainly we the employees where not Christians when we
could not warn those who might slumber later that night that they might hear
music from nearby night clubs. Was I aware of reverberation and of sound
bouncing upward to his high location on floor 31!?!?! Double strike for us and
how our non-Christian ways had us placing him high up in the building to HA!
Sleep away the night! He was a Born Again Christian, and certainly this was not
treatment Christ intended for him to suffer.
And I like to travel in clockwise direction at
my place of work. What am I?
Shortly after 11pm one night I received a call from
a mother who was residing in a room with her children who had just attended an
exciting Teeny Bobber Music concert. She called to state that one of her
children had found a green pill on the floor. She was very concerned about this
pill as it was a green capsule with white substance in it, and it was unmarked.
She stated that she was a registered nurse, and implied the pill was not legal,
and that her child could have been poisoned both in putting the pill in her
mouth or by touching it. She told me that the child was excited and thought it
was one of those “towel in a capsule” toys. She insisted I come up to the room
and collect the pill. She continued to tell me about how dangerous it would
have been for a toddler to have gotten a hold of the pill. (all 4 children
looked to be at least 8 years and older) I listened, empathized, and apologized
and collected the pill carefully. I also notified my co-workers. (oh and she
said they had not noticed the pill prior to their departure to the concert, and
they found it after, so they all checked their items to ensure nothing had been
stolen (while the drug deal had gone on in the room during their time at the
concert)).
These stories are only
six of a thousand. What am I?
I am a helper of all things. I can find your lost
friend. I can transfer you to china. I can tell you where you might shop for
antiques in the city across the border. I can tell you where you can purchase
just about anything from cuff links to prophylactics. If someone called your
cell phone, and you don’t know who the caller is, I can track that person down.
I solve impossible problems and allow people’s persons to take out the
frustration of their life or the day out on my person. I deal with the
intoxicated and those who are most in touch with their inner stupid. This is my
life. This is what I do.
What am I?
